After the outpouring of love following my first round of Executive Orders, as a Valentine’s Day gift to my readers I am issuing a new list of decrees sure to warm the hearts of the Compassionate Community.

When it comes to issuing Executive Orders, I can’t possibly keep up with the new president. Still, I don’t want DOGE on my case, so I’ll get right to it.

Our society’s decline can be traced to 1971, when the voting age was lowered to 18. So, I hereby order the voting age to be raised to 30. The kids on Wakefield’s Youth Council want to lower the voting age to 16 in local elections. I can think of no better argument than that for raising it to 30.

In a related action, I am banning the word “like” at all public meetings, which should shorten the length of Youth Council meetings by, like, at least half.

I also order the immediate adoption of voter ID. You have to show ID to buy cold medicine, and the integrity of Our Democracy is at least as important as controlling your sniffles. There is no conceivable reason to oppose voter ID unless you plan to cheat.

For the same reason, I order the elimination of “early voting” and “vote by mail.” Absentee ballots will still be available for those who need them. Other than that, see you at the polls.

Next, I order an immediate end to gender neutral public rest rooms. To hasten compliance, I call upon all men who are forced to use gender neutral bathrooms to leave the seat up until women demand a return to separate men’s and women’s facilities.

I order that the executive governing body in every city and town shall henceforth be known as either the “Board of Selectmen” or the “Board of Aldermen.” Enough with “Select Board.” (What does that even mean?) “Alderperson” is even worse. And since people still can’t figure out the difference between “Town Council” and “Town Counsel,” let’s simplify matters and go back to the name that worked just fine for 375 years.

Recent reports of the demise of the penny are premature. I am ordering the United States Mint to continue production of the one cent coin ad infinitum. Ben Franklin said it best: “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Save the penny.

Given the rash of malfunctioning railroad crossing gates of late, I order the elimination of all automated railroad gates and a return to manned railroad crossings complete with the little shelters for the attendants like the one in Greenwood. This would probably also discourage cyclists from going around the gates as if the law didn’t apply to them.

Moving briefly to the world of sports, given Major League Baseball’s embrace of gambling, I order the immediate induction of Joe Jackson and Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame.

It’s too late for this year, but I order that the day of the Super Bowl shall henceforth be a national holiday. Whenever the game falls on a Sunday, the holiday will be observed on the following Monday.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I can already feel love in the air.
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[This column originally appeared in the February 13, 2025 Wakefield Daily Item.]
Photo of child voting by Larry and Laura. (Creative Commons License)