As you are no doubt aware, the new president wasted no time issuing a flurry of Executive Orders, which have the usual suspects clutching their pearls.

He has restored Mt. McKinley to its rightful name. He has ordered that the Gulf of Mexico will henceforth be the Gulf of America. He has ordered all federal employees to return to in-person work.

But why should the president have all the fun?

I have decided to get in on the act and issue my own Executive Orders. Anyone who doubts my authority to do so can impeach me.

First, I order the elimination of all bicycle lanes. Roads are for motor vehicles. Bicycles are for children. If you want to ride a bike, use the sidewalk.

I order all buildings to be heated by oil or natural gas. Coal will be reserved for electricity generation.

I order the retention of both Standard Time and Daylight Savings Time, including the practice of changing the clocks twice a year. In the summer, I want it to be light outside until 9 p.m. and I don’t want to be driving to work in the dark at 8 a.m. in January. To further simplify matters, I order the entire country to adopt Eastern Time. That’s how it was at America’s founding and that’s how it should remain.

I order all supermarkets and retail stores to return to giving out free plastic bags to customers. Stop & Shop recently abandoned charging 10 cents for paper bags because customers weren’t buying into the idea that switching to re-useable bags helps the environment. Consumers would also welcome a return to plastic.

I am issuing an executive order that all flagpoles on public property will fly only the American flag and the POW-MIA flag. If you want to fly your special interest flags, you are welcome to use the flagpole in your own yard. On public property it will be stars and stripes forever.

Piggybacking on the presidential order to restore Mt. McKinley to its correct name, I hereby order that the name of the NFL’s Washington franchise will once again be the Redskins.

Similarly, the name of Cleveland’s Major League Baseball team will once again be the Indians. More locally, I order that Melrose High School restore the name Red Raiders to all of its sports teams.

The list is long, so let’s simplify matters. I order that by Jan. 1, 2026, all sports teams in the United States shall have Native American names, except Notre Dame, which can remain the Fighting Irish.

Along the same lines, I order the restoration of the Wakefield Warrior logo and all Native American logos and mascots that have been canceled in recent years. I will not stand idly by as our Native American heritage is erased.

I am also ordering a number of changes to Major League Baseball rules.

First, I order the elimination of the extra inning “ghost runner” on second base, which has to be the most ridiculous rule ever conceived.

I also order the elimination of the pitch clock. Baseball games are supposed to take forever to play. For the same reason, I order any pitcher issuing an intentional walk to throw four wide pitches. No more of this “four fingers” nonsense.

I order the elimination of the designated hitter at all levels of baseball and softball, from the major leagues down to Little League. Pitchers will once again have to bat. It’s called being a ballplayer.

Also, no more of these six or seven-inning games at the youth and amateur levels. Be men. Play nine innings.

Much more to come. Like the president, I’m just getting started.
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[This column originally appeared in the January 30, 2025 Wakefield Daily Item.]