For sheer entertainment value, last week’s Wakefield Town Council meeting had it all: pathos, bathos, drama and farce.

And they say there’s nothing good on TV anymore.

Let’s dive right in with the most contentious issue of the evening.

Chairman Jonathan Chines had ordered eight “NO IDLING” signs to be put up on Main Street along the Lake to prevent anyone from enjoying the idyllic scene while sitting in their car with the engine running. More than a few citizens, including several Town Councilors, couldn’t help but notice the curious timing. The signs went up right after those same Town Councilors had pushed back against a plan, supported by the Chairman, to eliminate all parking along the Lake in favor of bike lanes.

Chairman Chines admitted that he acted in the context of the recent discussion of a proposed bike and pedestrian path along the Lake. He had the “NO IDLING” signs put up, he said, because Lake Quannapowitt is an ecologically sensitive area.

Is the senior citizen couple sitting in their Buick with the heat on while enjoying a cup of Honey Dew coffee and the Lake view really a major source of pollution when there’s a six-lane interstate highway a stone’s throw away?

In any case, it turned out that the Chairman didn’t have the legal authority to unilaterally dictate the installation of any signs.

The “NO IDLING” signs have since come down because there are a few members of the Town Council who still think that consistency, transparency and process matter, not to mention a little thing called democracy. Remember, it was Chairman Chines who recently decided to keep several flag requests that he didn’t like off the Town Council’s agenda.

Another topic at last week’s meeting also concerned the Lake. The Town Council heard about plans to place a man-made, floating vegetated island in the middle of Beebe Cove. The fantasy island idea came about as a grant proposal under the Metropolitan Area Planning Council’s “Climate Resilience Program.” The presentation at the meeting included some of the most amazing word salads in the history of climate alarmism.

The MAPC grant program is intended to “fund actionable interventions that facilitate long-term innovation changes that advance climate equity, regional coordination, and social cohesion.”

If you don’t know what “climate equity” is, I believe it’s something like “environmental justice.” I hope that clears things up.

Another goal of the program is “to provide an educational space to increase public dialogue and engagement while simultaneously creating a visually impactful art installation that is free and accessible to all members of the public.”

And with the “NO IDLING” signs gone, cars will now be able to park along the Lake, engines idling, as their occupants admire this floating monument to climate equity.

Another agenda item on last week’s Town Council agenda was the plan to construct a new restroom facility at Veterans Field. The new loo by the Lake will need a name, and of course your Town Council is right on top of the naming issue as well. At the very same meeting, the Council passed a new Asset Naming Policy to govern the future naming of town-owned buildings and other “assets.”

I would like to submit a modest proposal that we forgo naming the overall bathroom structure and instead name each of the two restrooms that the building will house.

In the spirit of equity and inclusion, I propose naming one restroom “Men” and the other “Women,” in memory of the genders, with commemorative plaques displayed on each of the doors.

I believe my suggestion fulfills the first priority under the new Asset Naming Policy, which states: “Priority should be given to names carrying geographic, historical or cultural significance to the Town as a whole or to the area in which the public asset is located.”

I don’t think anyone would deny that men and women have played historically and culturally significant roles in the town of Wakefield. As to the geographic area, men’s and women’s softball teams have long competed on Veterans Field. What better way to memorialize the contributions of all men and women than to name these new restrooms in their honor.

I look forward to the public hearing on my proposal.
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[This column originally appeared in the September 21, 2023 Wakefield Daily Item .]